Today was hard, and it started before I even got to my first call. I was still processing some disappointment over the hackathon, replaying a few decisions, wishing I'd handled parts of it differently. Underneath that was a bigger question sitting where it usually sits — the one I've been working through for most of my life. How do you stay grounded and move forward when the environment around you is working against both of those things at once?
I don't think there's a clean answer. But I've noticed I've been avoiding part of it, and I want to talk through why.
🦀 Crabs in a Barrel Is Too Small a Metaphor
Everyone knows the crabs-in-a-barrel idea. Someone starts climbing out, and the people around them yank them back down because they can't stand watching someone else escape what they haven't escaped themselves. I used to think that was mostly about comfort zones, or about people in your neighborhood or your friend group not wanting you to outgrow them.
But the barrel is bigger than that. Sometimes the barrel is your home. Sometimes it's your family. Sometimes it's the person who cares for you and genuinely believes they love you, while also making it harder for you to grow into who you're becoming. That took me years to sit with, because it's easier to name a barrel built by strangers than one built by someone who says they love you.
I keep coming back to my old roommate as an example, because she's someone I've watched hold both truths at once. She has a real, warm, generous heart, I've seen it, I've been on the receiving end of it. And I've also seen her be genuinely cold, sometimes to the same people she was warm to previously. That contradiction used to confuse me. Now I think it's actually the whole point. Good and harmful aren't opposites that cancel each other out. They can sit in the same person, in the same relationship, at the same time.
🐔 Mother Hen Syndrome Isn't the Same Thing as Love
Here's the pattern I keep noticing in people who do this. They build a real piece of their identity around being needed, "helping other", giving of themselves, etc. I take care of this person. This person needs me. And as long as you stay exactly where they've placed you — underneath the wing, grateful, compliant, everything feels warm. The second you push back, ask a hard question, or need something different from them, the warmth disappears and something else shows up in its place.
This is a form of mother hen syndrome, because it mimics protection so well that it's hard to tell the difference from the inside, especially while you're still living it. You don't usually find out someone's care has conditions attached until you accidentally violate one of the conditions.
🗣️ There's a Real Difference Between a Disagreement and a Disproportionate Reaction
I want to be specific here instead of vague, because I think vague language is exactly what lets this kind of thing keep happening. This isn't about two people who see things differently. It's not about someone having a bad day and snapping once.
Here's what actually happens with a person in my life. They'll ask for my help with something. I start helping them. At some point I'll ask a totally reasonable clarifying question — something like, can you walk me through exactly what you need here — and they react with a level of anger that has nothing to do with the size of the question. I told you, they'll say, and then they're fully worked up. It doesn't matter how calmly the question gets asked. It doesn't matter if there's a smile behind it. It doesn't matter how gently it's phrased. The reaction is the same every time, and it's completely out of proportion to what actually happened.
That's not a disagreement. That's someone asking me for help, receiving that help, and turning on me in the middle of giving it. When that happens once, maybe it's a bad moment. When it happens on a loop, it stops being a rough patch and becomes a pattern, and calling it a disagreement lets that pattern hide in plain sight.
🔑 Depending on Someone Changes What You're Allowed to Say
The part that makes this heavier than a normal difficult relationship is the dependency layered underneath it. If you could just say, don't speak to me like that, and walk away without consequence, this would be a completely different dynamic. But when someone knows you can't easily disengage, that pushing back might complicate things you currently depend on — the power in that relationship stops being equal. You're not just managing a difficult person anymore. You're weighing consequences in real time. Can I say what I actually think right now? Is this worth the fallout?
That calculation is exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to someone who hasn't had to do it. And the harder part is that changing a dynamic like this requires exactly the resources it drains from you — money, focus, confidence, energy. You end up needing to build your way toward something different using the same reserves the situation keeps depleting.
🌱 Maybe Surviving Isn't the Opposite of Succeeding
I don't think this is something you solve once and move past. It's more like a framework I keep refining. But I've noticed that judging myself for not being further along, for the hackathon not going the way I wanted, ignores the actual ground I've been building on. There's a real difference between building a life from solid footing and building one while you're also holding the floor together with your hands.
Maybe the goal isn't becoming completely unaffected by a dynamic like this. Maybe it's holding onto enough of yourself — your thinking, your creativity, your ability to keep making the calls and taking the meetings, that you can keep moving toward something different, even slowly, even while the ground underneath you is still settling.
I know what I want on the other side of this. A place where asking a clarifying question doesn't get met with anger. Where support doesn't come with a loyalty tax. Where I don't have to manage someone else's emotional volatility to maintain a relationship. That's the standard I'm building toward, and I think naming it clearly is the first real step in getting there.
