I used to define self-respect all wrong. I thought it was about outer appearance and treating others the way you want to be treated. But that view doesn't make sense at all. Through painful experiences and deep reflection, I've learned that having self-respect means caring for yourself first - treating yourself with utmost love, care, and understanding before anyone else.
For years, I misunderstood what self-respect meant. I thought it was about maintaining appearances and treating others kindly. But I've realized that true self-respect is personal. It's about defining your values, prioritizing your well-being, and living authentically—on your own terms.
Looking back, I realize I equated self-respect simply with honor, dignity, and confidence. What I didn't understand was how it encompasses every aspect of your well-being - your physical health, mental health, financial health. It's about having values and living up to them, while not letting those with opposing values bring you down.
Breaking Free from Misapplied Teachings
Growing up in a family with misogynistic roots, I was taught to put others first, especially men. This mindset, sometimes misapplied from Biblical teachings, shaped my understanding of self-worth. Growing up, I never saw close examples of women who had true self-respect or self-love. Instead, I watched women consistently put men first - boyfriends, lovers, husbands - while neglecting their own needs for respect, love, protection, and care. But on the outside, I did have such examples, and I saw how much better their lives, self-worth, and confidence.
I was conditioned to ignore my needs. These beliefs, often rooted in misinterpreted teachings, shaped how I viewed myself. I watched women prioritize harmful relationships and sacrifice their self-worth. This pattern became my own. I stayed in toxic environments, rationalized mistreatment, and even blamed myself for others' actions. But self-respect means breaking free from this conditioning and redefining what respect looks like for me.
The Wake-Up Call
My experiences during my last 2 years in Romania and the first ten months back in the United States forced me to confront this distorted understanding. I found myself in horrible situations because these patterns were so deeply ingrained. Even after years of therapy, I only recently realized how automatically I apologize to people who cause me harm. When I'm in environments that don't treat me well, I immediately become apologetic and understanding toward those causing the harm.
Here's my biggest revelation: you can be understanding of others without letting them continue to mistreat or bully you. If you're in a group where people clearly dislike you through their actions, even while saying "Hey, do you want to come by again next week?", you have every right to distance yourself.
In my case, dealing with inherently racist behavior, I learned that once you inform people their ideologies are hurtful, and they continue anyway, you don't have to make excuses for their behavior or remain understanding. You can say, "I understand why they're like that, but I have every right to walk away."
Redefining "Running Away"
In the past few years, I faced situations that challenged everything I thought I knew about self-respect. I stayed in harmful spaces because I didn't want to be seen as someone who runs away. But I've learned that walking away isn't weakness—it's courage. It's a declaration that you value yourself enough to leave environments that harm you.
I never wanted to be known as someone who runs away from challenges - that's not who I am. But I've realized that people have a distorted view of what running away means. If you're in an environment where you're not causing issues, but others are bringing harm to you, leaving isn't running away - it's protecting yourself. That's what self-respect looks like.
Leaving is about protecting your peace, not proving your strength to others, and tearing down your physical and mental health. Why to prove you are strong enough to take harm? Strong enough to take hits. Strong enough to take pain? Staying where you're not valued only erodes your confidence and self-worth.
The Cost of Staying Where You're Not Wanted
This year taught me a harsh lesson about fighting to stay in places where I wasn't wanted. During a housing situation, despite having made agreements about extended stays, I had to confront why I was pushing myself to remain in unwelcoming spaces. The toll on my mental health and confidence was severe.
My years in Romania stripped away the confidence I'd built throughout my life. I went from someone who never second-guessed herself or suffered from imposter syndrome to constantly questioning everything about myself.
Even in professional settings where I faced misogyny, I maintained my confidence because I was in an environment where my intelligence was acknowledged and I received positivity and encouragement. But being around people who did the opposite started to break me down mentally.
I can't do that again - live in an environment where I'm waking up every day knowing I'm abhorred with absolutely no valid reason or basis other than the other person's hate for women and or other races
Toxic spaces can strip you of the self-belief you've worked hard to build. Rebuilding self-respect starts with recognizing those environments for what they are and making the brave decision to leave.
Understanding the Root
Reading "Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" has been eye-opening. So many scenarios in the book mirror my experiences, both past and present. It helped me understand why it's hard to leave toxic situations - I grew up watching women put harmful men first, make excuses for abusers, and elevate men over their immediate family. This conditioning taught me to naturally rationalize when someone harms me, and to blame myself for things completely outside my control.
The Path Forward
Self-respect isn't a one-size-fits-all concept. It's deeply personal. For me, it means rejecting the conditioning that taught me to prioritize others at my expense. It means understanding when to stay and when to walk away. It's about choosing growth, healing, and authenticity over guilt or fear.
Having self-respect means being introspective while recognizing when an environment isn't healthy for you. Looking back at my worst years, they all involved unsafe, unsupportive environments. Conversely, my best mental health, physical, and strongest financial times coincided with having supportive spaces.
I was the most creative when I walked through a house and received love, care, support, and togetherness. Not internalized hate and unhappiness projected onto others.
This realization has affected every aspect of my life, including my entrepreneurial journey. I've watched others launch businesses and courses similar to ideas I had but didn't pursue because my environment had me questioning my worth. In negative spaces where you're constantly experiencing disrespect, your mindset naturally turns against you, telling you no one would buy from you, care about your work, or value what you offer.
What Does Self-Respect Mean to You?
Take a moment to reflect: Are you living on your own terms? Are there environments, relationships, or beliefs holding you back?
True self-respect means putting yourself first. It means recognizing toxic patterns, understanding their origins, and having the courage to choose environments that support your growth.
Redefining self-respect starts with you. Choose to honor your needs, prioritize your peace, and live authentically. Remember, self-respect isn't given—it's claimed. And you have the power to define it for yourself.
What spaces in your life are diminishing your self-worth? Remember, leaving isn't failing - it's choosing yourself.
p.s. This post is part of my ethereal epiphanies where I just quickly process my thoughts on a subject. I'm still actually trying to figure out what having self-respect actually means to me, but this post was a star and I want to turn this into a manifesto for 2025.
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